Dear Diary

9 Jul

Today I am writing this in English and the reason is very simple: I don’t want my parents to worry about me. I don’t want them to think there is something wrong. But there is.

 

Truth be told, I’ve been depressed for a while now. I’m already used to having ups and downs but this time down isn’t going up and it feels like I have to drag myself to do the usual daily tasks. I drag myself from bed, I drag myself to work, I drag myself home again and so on. I try to put a smile on my face and laugh because I believe that maybe I can fool myself into feeling good but it hasn’t been possible. I try hard to fool myself but I guess I’m not that stupid.

 

And yes, I know depression lies, I know there is a bright world outside my dark mind and I know nothing horrible is going on and yet I can’t find reasons to be joyful, happy or even relaxed. I’ve read that my new anti-seizure meds can cause depression, hallucinations and more side effects and currently I really hope it’s that and not that Prozac stopped working for me. I need to go to the doctor, I know, but I’ve been too much to the doctor lately (with my brain aneurysm and all that I had to live last year). I think I probably need a shrink, but I need the neurologist first and it sucks to think about so many doctor appointments I need to get just to fix a little switch in my brain.

 

My brain is all fucked up. I guess it has always been like that and I’ve managed to live with it. It’s not like I’m going to flirt with suicide. I don’t want to kill myself; I just want to stop living. So that’s exactly how I feel right now: without any will to live. Without hope and it also drives me mad because there is no reason to be hopeless. I have a beautiful marriage, awesome parents, three cute cats, a nice job, videogames and books and still life doesn’t seem worth living.

 

Maybe that is what gets me angry the most: my inability to shake this depression away with all the good things I have. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but I am. I don’t even know whom should I be thankful to because I don’t believe in God, but at least I should be able to be grateful to the people that stand by my side everyday. I guess this too shall pass, like so many depression periods before this one and many ones that will come. Rationally I KNOW the world is not bad and I KNOW this is just the lack of serotonin talking, but emotionally FEELS a little bit different. It feels like a tunnel with no way out. A tunnel that you walk and just takes you deeper and deeper into some unknown darkness. Like a bottomless pit that you know can’t possibly be bottomless, but totally feels like it. You just want to reach the bottom and find a way out but instead you keep falling and falling. This sucks. Stupid bottomless pit. Stupid dark tunnel.

 

Writing this is a way to let my feelings out so that they don’t drown me. I’m not looking for help or trying to get attention. I just wanted to post this so that maybe by letting words come out I can feel the brightness come in again.

5 Responses to “Dear Diary”

  1. Ana María Rincón Gómez July 9, 2014 at 12:06 #

    My dear friend, I can totally understand you, and I worry about your feelings… I was so depressed last year too, and this could really help me. You just have to have time, at least one hour, lay your body down, hopefully having some sun and wind, wear your earphones and listen to this pearl of wisdom… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNMrDrZO4TU. I really hope it works. Big hugs for you.

    • Agnes July 10, 2014 at 09:12 #

      Thank you, Ana🙂. Lots of love to you.

  2. Inquisidora July 9, 2014 at 13:29 #

    My english it’s so fucking terrible. Sorry for this.
    Well.. I can’t have words to make you feel better… In a little part of my mind i can undertand you, i think “If it’s terrible our body don’t respond, maybe it’s worst with the mind… mind control everything…”
    I send you a little of good energy…

  3. Virginia July 9, 2014 at 23:33 #

    I do understand you as well my friend. I am so sorry to hear that. I hope you start to feel much better in a couple of days, and yes, a shrink may helps. Talking to someone who doesn’t know you at all helps. Worked for me. As well, combined with some anti depress pills.
    Send you all my love, and hope.

  4. LuisG August 16, 2014 at 20:17 #

    Don’t get me wrong. Le doy like no porque me guste lo que ha pasado, sino por la forma en que lo has descrito. A esto “like” y aplausos mil. I assume everything is getting better, but it’s up to you to tell us.

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