11 May

Julie stared at the mirror. Her reflection stared back at her and it was crying. Crying in front of the mirror felt stupid and dramatic for Julie. She could only make it worse if she laid in the shower floor and cried with water pouring down on her. She had done that too. She had done all the pathetic crying positions ever invented by Hollywood and probably invented some new ones. She should have made up names for them and create some kind of Kamasutra for Crying.

So there she was, in a hotel room. All by herself, looking at her sad reflection. She had done what she wanted and still she was sad. Abandoned her husband. Abandoned her kids. What a terrible mother she was and yet she couldn’t feel terrible about it. She had tried, but it didn’t happen. She was so selfish she could only feel bad about herself at that moment. She was numb and sad at the same time. Numb about the world but sad about herself. The only feelings she could manage to have were self-pity and her only actions were to wallow in her misery, drive and sometimes have a drink or two. She would take the car again tonight and keep moving. At least while driving she could think about other things that weren’t her and her fucked up life. She could think about not running over pedestrians, animals or crashing the car into walls and those were the good and happy thoughts. She wondered where she would go tonight and while she was thinking drank some gin and had a smoke. She had taken into smoking again. Her family had been worried about her health but she didn’t care much about herself or her lungs, which were a part of her. She briefly considered suicide. Again. She briefly dismissed it. Again. It had been like that all of these days. The idea coming in and going out just like that. She fell into a deep sleep and had dreams about beaches, sun and happy places.

She woke up and it was past 8:00 p.m. She thought she needed some food before driving so got a sandwich on her way to the parking lot, took a bite and then felt sick about it and threw it away. Took a cigarette out of her purse and smoked as she walked to the car. Smoked another one once in the car and kept smoking while driving. Julie left that town that night and she was never coming back just as she was never going back to the other towns she had visited in her running away scheme. She wondered about a way to escape further and then realised she had already escaped from her life. She realised she had the money, the time and the only things she needed to successfully be on her own from now on. No kids, no husband, no family. No friends. Just her. She was all that she needed now and all that she wanted. She was no longer responsible for anybody’s happiness but her own. She was no longer required to take care of herself for the sake of others. That thought was liberating. She felt content after so many days of driving and running away. She stopped at a small inn in the morning, rented a room and drank, smoked and slept. This time she didn’t cry. The time for crying and self-pity was over. She smiled after such a long time of not doing it. Her face muscles still remembered how to produce a smile and it felt odd for her. She had dreams about mountains, grey skies and happy places.

At night she was still smiling and feeling happy. Finally happy. She checked the map and saw the beach was close now. That was her destination. She had always loved the sea. One more night of driving would take her to the place she loved the most. Smoked her cigarettes and this time she drank while driving too. She played music in the car and sang aloud. The sun was coming up when she saw the coastline. She parked the car, took off her shoes and got a bottle of wine from her bag. She started walking towards the sea and laughed at the sound of the waves. There she was, happy with herself and her world. Happy with her life. The water reached her feet and she felt the sand moving beneath them. This was it. The perfect ending. The perfect place for her to say good-bye to life. And so she walked into the ocean: smiling, drinking wine and full of joy. This time she didn’t dream about anything.


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