Archive | February, 2017

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13 Feb

You carry your demons. You carry your black dog and your dead fish wherever you go.

People who know me know that I use the expression dead fish to talk about my depression. It is because of this and this.

Well, my fish happen to be very dead right now and I don’t know how to deal with that. I don’t know how to solve it, and worse, I don’t feel like I have the strength to do it. I know this is all a lie. I do have the strength and the power, but when you are depressed you feel that way. The trick is to overcome that first phase when you don’t feel like saving yourself. And you have to. We all have to. Because nobody can save us.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Most likely it won’t. But one can only hope, right? And I have hope, which is a good thing. I have hope for my future and the world’s future. I know it will ALL be fine. Someday. And I know I will be happy again and not dead inside. Just… could I sleep until then? That would be one hell of a cool thing for depressed people: Hibernation chambers until they have recovered their strength. You know… until we stop being numb and are ready to face the world again.

Silly ramblings. Sometimes I wonder if I’m not just very weak and can’t deal with things the way everybody does, but then I remember that depression lies and I find some hope in knowing that I will be stronger than the lies in the end. I am alive and I will survive because that’s what my species does. That’s what humans do. We choose life.

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